How to have a stress-free vacation.....
or maybe just a stress-free pre-vacation....

How else would you explain my  latest fiasco attempt at jetting away for some fun n' sun?
Maybe it had something to do with the following items that had to be crossed off my "To Do" list before we left....

My top priority was to find my summer clothes....and hope they still fit.....
It is just slightly stress inducing to know that somewhere in the dark recesses of you basement hides a plastic tote full of summer clothes that fit last summer's "Ihadtimetoruntwentymilesaweek" body.  It is even more stress inducing to know that you somehow have to make those packed away clothes fit this spring's "IhadNOtimetogototheYandIworebaggyclothesallwinter" body.  Grrrrr.......
We're not even going to mention  swim suits.....So. Not. Going. There.

Second on my list was to make sure that the house (or at least the kitchen, bathroom, and one bedroom) was clean enough for our house/dog sitter to not have to call the health department before agreeing to spend time in our home.

I then wanted to get as many hours in at work as possible, since I would be gone (and off payroll) for two weeks.  My brain kept calculating how much this vacation was costing me.....not a good prescription for relaxation.

Added to this was the fact that I had sub plans to get ready, a class to teach and some academic commitments for the kids that had to be finished up two weeks early. 

Oh....
and I decided to apply for a job that better fit my skill sets and availability for the summer....
and apply for a different position with our educational group for next fall....
which meant I needed an updated resume and semi-intelligent sounding cover letters.....
which meant me spending time figuring out the extra features on the word processing program....
on the computer....
We all know how fun and relaxing THAT is for me......

Things were going well at about T-minus 4 days before take-off. 
The clothes had been located. (but not tried on....)
The kids had found and packed their own clothes. (you only need 3 pairs of underwear for a 2 week vacation...right????)
I had started my resume. (O.k.  O.k......it only had my name and contact info....but choosing the font type and size are crucial, time-consuming decisions!)
The bathroom sinks had been cleaned out, the lesson plans had been written, schoolwork had been started and all but 8 hours of scheduled time at work had been completed.
With four days left, I had plenty of time to finish the rest of my self-assigned tasks in a calm, relaxed manner.  

HA!
I returned home from work Saturday evening, spent about an hour talking with my husband, and went to bed.
I then proceeded to spend the next 24 hours wondering if I was going to even make it to the bathroom in time, let alone make a flight in 3 days. 
Just in case you were wondering the answer is: No.  Having the stomach flu and trying to keep the kitchen and bathroom "guest" clean are NOT compatible activities.

Also... No. Having the stomach flu and trying to work with computers and word processing programs are NOT mutually beneficial.

And make that a definite NO on having the stomach flu and working 8 hours of retail.
So. Not. Happening.
...but.....
...having the stomach flu for two days and then trying on last summer's clothes???? Yes.  Those two activities can be combined.  

So I spent 36 hours on the couch, not cleaning, writing or packing. I got the basics done.  We got on the plane.  I could finish the typing and e-mailing of resumes on my husband's lap top while we were en route to our vacation destination.   I thought I could just sit and relax on the plane.  I thought I could catch a little nap in my seat.  I thought I would be able to get a chapter of my book read in relative calm and quiet.
I thought, maybe...just maybe... I can begin to unwind....
I thought wrong. 
The man in the seat behind me (father of a 3 year old) turns to the mother across the aisle (travelling with a 9 month old) and says,
"Hey!  Wanna see whose baby gets the loudest screamer award by the end of the flight?"
Nononononononono!
So. Not. Relaxed.
I must have been stressing about vacations when they announced the class on that. 
Sigh

the Federal Bureau of Investigation....

I think my future employer called today! 

O.K....admittedly not the first thing that crossed my mind when the following showed up on my caller ID...
                                               .......U S GOVT FED BUR......

Yes, yours truly received a phone call from the FBI today.   It was a live person, not a robo call about area crime rates or local mail fraud activity.

I assure you, this is not a normal occurrence at our house.  Truly.   I promise.

They were looking for someone who used to have what is now our land line phone number.   When I said no such person lived here their response was.. "O.K.   We'll take her off our list." 

Whaaaaat???

What "list"???
Why was she on the "list"??
Am I on the "list"?
Do I want to be on the "list" or off the "list"?

Wait...don't hang up...I have questions!

Then cup o' joe #3 kicked in and my brain began to process some ideas.....

Here are some, (IMO) plausible explanations for today's phone call.

#1....Due to the sequester, all mid-west field operations offices are now required to do a fund-raising campaign via telephone.

#2....Due to the sequester, all agents have picked up telemarketing jobs to cover the gap in their pay check and this agent forgot which office/job he was doing when he made the call.

#3...Due to the sequester, the FBI has had to cut training costs and has decided to try and recruit responsible adults who have mad spy skills naturally developed over years of parenting and teaching.

Yup...I like #3.  
It  makes perfect sense.   Who else but a mom/teacher can
a) read body language from a mile away without the aid of binoculars or a sniper scope?
b) discern truth from fiction without the aid of video taped confessions, one way mirrors or good cop/bad cop routines?
c) practice defensive driving, in rush hour, on the phone, with various noises, sights and smells occurring simultaneously in the vehicle?
d) keep track of multiple children suspects, their daily activities, personal belongings and financial liabilities?
e) be on duty for hours on end sustained only by pb & j with a side of coffee?  with no bathroom?
f) be able to McGuyver her way through any situation with a bobby pin, lip gloss, two Lego pieces and the mint in the bottom of her purse?
I think I would be a perfect fit for the job.   Just think of all the organized crime rings I could infiltrate and bring down.   Who would ever suspect a mini-van driving-coffee drinking-sanity losing-Iowa living wife and mom of being an FBI agent?   I could save the government thousands in training costs and disguises.  They wouldn't even have to touch their technology budget if they hired me!  Their only cost might be to bump up the line item for coffee in the office supply category....

Or maybe I should just go with reason #4...

Full moon this week.

Or maybe I should just be thankful that another  # didn't show up on my caller ID this morning...
                          ......U S GOVT   INTER  REV SERV......

'cause while I might have mad spy skills,  I missed spying the class on accounting on my transcripts......

.....snow blowers

or, more specifically, how to use one....

First, I should remind you of my love/hate relationship with all modern technology and machines save my coffee pot, indoor plumbing, and central HV/AC.
I mostly do not like the thunderous noise and disruption these machines produce. 
My idea of the perfect modern inventions are the quiet click of a mechanical pencil and the soft whisper of yarn over those new-fangled circular knitting needles.  ;)

Problem: A hair dryer blasting in my ear at 8 a.m. does not a happy mommy make.
      Solution: don't use one...ever....even in winter....since middle school.....

Problem: A power tool being used to complete home improvement projects drives me up the same wall my poor husband is trying to fix.
     Solution:  leave the house and go to the library when DIY Jeff makes his Saturday morning appearances.

Problem: Living in the Mid-West, in the winter, during a snow storm, with a snow covered side-walk and driveway.  Also having a much anticipated afternoon meeting scheduled the same day as the snow storm.
      Usual Solution: Head to the back room of the house with my knitting and coffee while dh, ds, and dd fire up the monstrosity of a snow blower, wield our new ergonomic snow shovels and clear the walk, car and driveway in time for me to leave for my meeting.

Note: Today was not usual.   This morning there was not enough snow on the ground to break out the snow blower.  By noon there was. Since my dh was at work, I was left to make a very difficult decision. 
The drive and car needed to be cleared out.  There was no way around that.  I had committed to go to a meeting this afternoon, and was looking forward to attending the discussion group.  (At a history museum...yes, geek, sigh, move on...)
My dilemma: My ds is just a tad too young to use the snow blower unsupervised.
My second dilemma: I have absolutely no clue how to start the thing, which direction to point it in, or how to make it stop.
My options were limited. 
1) I could interrupt my husband at work to try and get him to coach me through the process. After he picked himself up off the floor from laughing so hard, he would then have the daunting task of trying to teach me something that I don't really want to do, while he was 12 miles away....hmmm...that might have been the safest place for him.....

2) I could wrestle the big red beast out of the garage, spend 45 minutes poking  and pulling on things, hoping against hope that I would accidentally hit upon the correct combination of levers, cords and valves....or irrevocably snap some key component rendering the beast less than useless for future storms...

3) I could google a YouTube video on how to start/use a snow blower.....on my dinosaur computer...that takes forever to load videos...and freezes up on the buffering.....and not get the video to play until May....

4) Or, I could brace myself with a fresh pot of coffee, layer on the clothes and hand-knit wool hats, scarves and mittens, yell at  nicely ask my children to join me in the great out doors, and quietly clear the car and driveway with the perfect, silent,  low-tech tools.....shovels and elbow grease.

Silent that is, unless you count the moaning and groaning of my dear children.  Cries of, "Mom, why don't you just ask dad how to use the snow blower?   or... "Mom, why don't you just google..snow blower...?"  or... "Mom, why don't you just skip your meeting?"

Not. An. Option.   I was going to a meeting to discuss historical topics.  With other adults.  Who liked history.  There might even be coffee involved.

I am happy to report that we persevered.  The drive, sidewalk, front stoop and car were all cleared in plenty of time for me to make it to the meeting.  By hand/shovel.  In the peaceful quiet of the freshly fallen snow.

I came in to check my smoke signals  e-mail, hoping to see some new information about our topics for the meeting.  Instead, I found a message that went something like....
Due to the inclement weather, the meeting has been postponed to next Monday.  We apologize for any inconvenience this new date and time may cause.
Sigh.

I left the kids outside.  They were warm. They were happy building a snow fort in the front yard. They were blissfully unaware of the catastrophic announcement that greeted me from the computer screen.

      It is snowing again.   Enough to make me think that we may need to clear the drive and car again.
By snow blower.
When my husband comes home.
And I am safely ensconced in the far room of the house with my coffee and knitting.....

'cause I missed the class on that.

...genes  (part 1).....

I don't know how, because I rarely missed school.  I was/am one of those strange beings that tend to gravitate towards all things academia.  Almost every subject was interesting to me and I mostly paid attention in all of  my classes. (We'll leave my hate-hate relationship with computer classes for a different post!)

This is why I find myself vaguely confused.  I clearly remember being in my psychology classes when we covered the whole nature vs. nurture debate.   I still have my notes from the biology and anatomy classes I took (sigh, yes, nerd, move on).  Dominant and recessive genes, traits inherited from mothers or fathers, eye color, hair color, height, etc.   Fruit fly projects and plant experiments, DNA, RNA, x vs y chromosomes....I can remember it all.

What I can't remember is the day we covered the specifics on exactly how extended family members transmit their genes over vast distances AFTER the grandchild/niece/nephew has been born. 
Also missing from my notes are the discussions on the specific genetic anomaly known as sarcasm and its likelihood of being the one family trait to be passed on through the phone lines instead of the blood lines.
But I must have missed it.  That is the only explanation I can offer for the conversations I have been having with my pre-teen son recently. At most he gets to see his maternal grandparents twice a year.  Yet he recently has started sounding more and more like his uncle and grandfather.  Not in voice, but in speech patterns.  He and my brothers have more than enough words in their heads to make a phone company's "unlimited talk" plan beg for mercy.  My son and my father both get the same look on their face just before they are going to say something to deliberately provoke whatever woman happens to be in the same room with them. 
Case in point....a recent exchange with said son as I was tediously laboring over the stove to prepare his day-end meal....

Son: Hey mom...you're not starting a grease fire over there, are you?

Me:  No, my dearest, sweetest boy.  I am attempting to prepare a gourmet selection of protein and vegetables for your evening repast.  Grease fires are not in my repertoire and I would never, ever do anything to put your life, or your dinner in such jeopardy.

Son: (in perfect reincarnation of uncles and grandfather)  Sure.  That's what they all say.

I am very tempted to throw in the towel now, rather than spend the next six years or so verbally sparring with the genetic equivalent of my son, brothers and father.  Tempted, but not ready to give in to that temptation.   Instead,  I think I will spend the next few years searching through my notes and science texts looking for that elusive paragraph discussing the electronic transmission of the sarcasm gene.  Because he surely doesn't get it from his current environment.
I know I will need that information in the future, if my son can curb his witty genetic predispositions long enough to get married and have children.  Then I will have grandchildren....and a phone....  ;)

I think I have a few years to complete my research, but research I must....

'Cause I missed the class on that!

An open letter to my former students.

This covers a few hundred people out there in the big wide world.  People who have gone on to make some beautiful and powerful contributions to the world.
Such as:
Serve in the military.
Start a non-profit for education in Africa
Work in a demanding health care profession
Debate conservative politics in a respectful manner while attending a liberal leaning university
Get involved in local politics
Invest your life in ministry
Share the world through photography/writing/art
Foster/Adopt
Accept learning/academic challenges head on and become stronger through them
Learn how to be leaders in business, law, technology and many other professions
Become spouses
Become parents
Become servants

You are in many different walks and stages of life.  You may even be in different generations....I don't think about that too often...makes me feel old.

Some of you are no longer with us.

Some of you are about to embark on your student teaching this upcoming semester and will soon have a classroom of your own.

You will work harder than you ever have in any course thus far.....and you will love almost every minute of it.  You will become protective of your young charges and want to see them succeed almost more than they want that for themselves.  You will wonder what they will be when they grow up.  You will laugh and cry with them and about them.  You will cherish every note they leave on your desk or in your mailbox.
You will be a teacher.


Regardless of your place in life, I am so proud of all  of you.

Don't miss the class on that!

Love,

Mrs. A  (Miss B)

Christmas Shopping Part 2

OK everyone......or everyone who likes to procrastinate about their Christmas shopping.....

I know the next six days are going to be extremely busy for those of you who still need to finish the elf chores that Santa assigned to you. 
I know there are children's programs, school concerts, church pageants, office parties and 945 White Elephant gift exchanges to participate in, all spanning the crunch of the next 144 hours before D-Day Christmas morning.

I know.

I know you are really sorry that things got this out of control.

I know that you never meant for it to happen this way.

I know you promise to not let this happen again next year.

I know all these things, and yet, I still care enough to give you these last few answers to your retail shopping questions..

1) No....we don't have any more of the items from our Black Friday sale.....that we had a month ago.
2) No.....I don't have that very cute outfit in a size 3T....there is nothing in back-stock except the Spring dresses.

3) No....I don't think your package will make it through the mail to Hawaii in time for next Tuesday....  I don't think I can get myself to Hawaii by next Tuesday, let alone your 300lb package...

4) No, the item you called frantically about at 11:59 p.m. and had us put on emergency  48 hour hold 8 DAYS AGO and then  never came and picked up is no longer on hold.....since the last time I checked, 48 hour holds do not equal 8 days.....

5)No...I have no idea if your mother/father/bother/sister/niece/nephew/uncle/cousin/son/daughter/husband/wife/ grandparent or second cousin twice removed would like that blender/microwave/crock pot/change counter/blanket/ornament/pair of slippers or bathrobe.....

6) No...I have no idea when the next sleigh truck will be in with a new shipment.....best guess is the 26th....

So.   There you have it.   The answers to all your desperate questions. 
Now that you have all the answers, this should save you time, stress and grief as you frantically race from store to store looking for the last bulbous blandis snaarfblat or roast beast to be found in our ZIP code.

Remember...your retailer's motto for the last few days of the season is "Just Say No"

'cause we didn't miss the class on that ;)

Christmas Shopping.....

Yes, I know I have claimed that bargain shopping is my mommy version of  high school sports. 
Yes, I know I have publicly performed the "Happy Shopper Dance" in store parking lots in multiple states.
Yes, I know that other people spending copious amounts of money between Thanksgiving and Christmas is what allows me to earn not-so-copious amounts of money as a seasonal retail worker.

.....but I still don't get it....
...sigh.....

I think it has something to do with my jealousy.
Oh. No.   Not jealousy over economic status, or credit limits.  We are well provided for and taken care of in many ways, both physically and spiritually.
I think it is just jealousy over having to share my usually empty stores with EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE MID-WEST!!!!

In an effort to come down from my stress over everyone elses' shopping, I will try to offer a few tips to help  those on both sides of the store name tag have a better retail experience.

Tip #1
 The MINUTE after you sign your son up for the middle school band on the August back-to-school night, rush to the nearest retail store and buy a pair of size 14 R  boys black dress pants.  If you can swing it, buy three or four pairs.  Then just wait for December 1st to roll around. 
That is just about the time that the music teacher will send a note home about the dress code for the Christmas concert. If I were a bettin' woman, I would bet that somewhere in that note the words "black dress pants required...NO JEANS!" will appear.  
Guess what size pants most middle school boys wear....
Guess how many middle schools in the tri-county area sent home a similar note.....
Now guess how many pairs of size 14 R black dress pants did NOT show up on the supply truck for my store.
If you bought three or four pairs in August, not only can you avoid the hassle of shopping in a retail store two weeks before Christmas, you can make some pretty good stocking stuffer money selling/renting those extra pants.


Tip # 2
If you are a grandparent, shopping for a grandchild that you don't see very often,  please, please, please...please... buy the size/color/style of item that the child's mother specified.  Even if you don't like said size/color/style or item.   Yes, I know the children should be grateful you shopped for them at all.   Yes, I know that your daughter-in-law isn't raising those kids properly.   Yes, I know that a ball and a stick were perfectly fine presents back in your day. But those are arguments for some other time, place and person...not the middle of the children's clothing department, during peak shopping hours, with me.
ahem....just as a side note...my mother and mother-in-law both have exquisite taste in selecting gifts for  their grandchildren, and the grandchildren are thankful, and they would absolutely love a ball and stick...

Tip #3
Do not, under any circumstances, wait until 10 p.m. on a Sunday night to ask a store if they have any of the sale item that was featured in last week's circular. By 10 p.m. Sunday night, most of the employees in the store have been clocked in for at least 5 hours and are trying to clean and straighten the shelves for the morning crew.  We have very little self control left. (We used most of it up trying to speak nicely to the customers who think that our presence in the store equals free babysitting for their seven year olds.... more on that in a later post)  We do not want to use that last shred of decency and  customer service trying not to laugh out loud at such questions.


We really and truly want to help you find everything on your shopping list.  Our company and store  reviews all center on customer satisfaction and profits.   One usually leads to the other.
If you could only remember one little request before heading off to the store, please.
I am a mere mortal, not a magician.   I can not twitch my nose, point my finger and make everything on your list appear in your cart.  Nor can I blink and make all the lines at the cash register suddenly disappear.   If I could, I wouldn't be working in retail.  I'd have my own T.V. show.....

....but I missed the class on that.