Monday, October 1, 2012


I didn't really.  I was a history major, then a history teacher.  I went through the whole scenario of All Hallows Evening, All Saint's Day, Martin Luther and his posting of the 95 Theses, etc, etc, etc...
I get the historical and religious significance of the day...just not why we have turned it into its modern day sugar extravaganza.

Don't get me wrong.... I love chocolate and high fructose corn syrup just as much as the next mini-van driving mom....second only to pumpkin spiced lattes as my favorite thing about autumn. I just have a few issues about the process of how we obtain said corn syrup at the end of this month.

The following is a short synopsis for the current cultural method of candy re-distribution.

1) Go to the store in AUGUST and buy $200 worth of candy wrapped in special fall colored cellophane.  Hide  the stash from yourself so it will still be there in October.

2) Decorate your front lawn with inflatable vampires, bats and Frankenstein monsters.  You make your home look warm and inviting.

3) Search high and low to find the perfect costumes for your children that ......
        a)EVERY other child their age will also be wearing .....and....
        b) will be covered up by their winter jacket anyway  ....and....
        c) much like your wedding dress....will cost too much money and is only worn once.

4) Spend most of your child's young life telling them about "Stranger Danger" but then on Oct. 31 undo all that good parenting by:
         a) sending them out after dark on a school night
         b) wearing masks and dark clothing (covered by their winter jackets)
         c) going straight up to the strangers' houses
         d) demanding candy
 While you try to find what is left of your stash purchased in August to hand out to the other neighborhood hoodlums.
Then try to explain to your child that all candy-bearing strangers automatically turn back into federal criminals on Nov. 1....only to be given a reprieve the month of December if they agree to wear a red and white suit.....but I digress.....

5) Spend the next 20 days trying to "ration" the $20 worth of candy they brought home in order to avoid the sugar crankies.  (and hope they don't notice how many pieces they started with.....)

After calculating the cost of the candy, costumes, vampires, dentist bills and new elastic waisted yoga pants for mom, decide to do the following next year:

Take that $200 and load a gift card to your favorite pumpkin spice latte carrying coffee shop, let your kids stay home and cry about how mean you are, and take all the other moms in the neighborhood out for coffee on Oct. 31

Then just tell everyone:  "Hey, sorry.  I must have missed the class on that Halloween thing, but have you ever tried whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles on those lattes?"   ;)