Retail Therapy......



I know I missed this class because I seem to be in the minority of the female population that sees shopping as a "git-er-done" chore rather than an all-day, shop-till-you-drop extravaganza.
I'm pretty sure I'd have to take a double dose of anti-histamine to survive a trip to the local mall and you might as well fully sedate me if you want to get me anywhere near Mall of America.

Which is why I am perpetually puzzled by the number of people that come into the modern day retail store where I work and aimlessly meander through the departments for hours at a time.

That's right.....hours....as in multiple increments of sixty minutes.  At. A. Time.

After two years working in the Children's Clothing department I started noticing a theme to my evening retail hours.  I wound up spending a majority of my shifts playing "Parent and Family Therapist"  Turns out that sometimes Grandma needs to be gently told to just get what the daughter-in-law said would fit.  Sometimes first time parents need a little help understanding that size 4T is not just for a 4 year old Toddler, and that size 4T and 4 are two different sizes and that you should probably buy that summer outfit on the clearance rack in February in a size larger because kids...grow...

Also turns out that pre-teen girls and moms need some sales-staff intervention at times, and dads need a bit of help buying their socks and ties during the 30 minutes before the Daddy-Daughter dance they have known about for two months.

Sigh.   No wonder I was coming home exhausted.
My manager, noticing my stress level, switched me to the jewelry department to give me a chance to recover.  I thought it would be a breeze playing with the sparkly inventory and un-packing new baubles to put on display......

Nope.  Turns out people need more than just sales help here too.  

Instead of Parent and Family Therapist, I have now switched to "Marriage and Relationship Adviser", in which I gently remind the young men that yes, rings do come in sizes, and yes, your girlfriend will be more likely to wear the ring if it fits.  You may also overhear conversations where I diplomatically remind the husband that fact that the ear rings she wants are more expensive than the vacuum cleaner that is on sale really. doesn't. matter.  It is also possible that you could witness the return of an expensive watch and watch  me talk the husband down from the wall over the frustration that she had bought him a watch for EVERY Father's Day for the last. five.years.

Sigh again.  Still coming home tired.   I need to  go back to school for a Phd in Psychology just to survive Christmas and Valentine's Day.

But, I think I have finally solved the riddle of Retail Therapy.  
They come, not to feel better by buying clothes in the wrong size and color, but to have us barely qualified, barely above minimum wage retail employees walk them through the complexities of life.
Which, in a bizarre way, is oddly rewarding.

But still doesn't convince me that anything longer than 20 minutes of shopping for anything more than groceries is worth my time and stress level.

I would rather spend my time with book-coffee-yarn-therapy.   It's cheaper.

'Cause I didn't miss the class on that :)

....the Iowa Caucus....and Date Night


They have more in common than you might think.....


I like to think of myself as a simple, no-muss, no-fuss female. (Ok dad...stop choking on your coffee.  I am NOT high maintenance!)
A cup of coffee, some chocolate and  a ball game on TV counts as a date night for me.   Throw in a trip to a museum, yarn or book store and I'm set for the year.

I am also a semi-junkie when it comes to politics and current events.   I can frequently be found yelling talking to the radio or television, trying to explain why the newscaster or caller is wrong since they have clearly missed the class on history, government, economics and/or common sense.
My family has learned to ignore me ;)


That's what makes living in Iowa so wonderful for low-maintenance wives like myself. (OK Jeff...you can stop trying to smother your laughter...)   February during an election year is the perfect combination of  news, candidates, political gatherings, call-in radio shows and newspaper Op-Ed pieces.  You can imagine that by now everyone in my house except the dog has tuned out the sound of my voice as this opinionated New Englander debates any and all points being made by any and all sides on any and all issues.  Isn't my husband lucky to have me around?  ;) 

Since he has adopted the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy of living with my low-maintenance hobbies, (OK kids...thank you for not even trying to pretend to smother your hysterics...) he planned the perfect 14 hour date for his no-fuss wife. 

The Iowa Caucus and Morning Edition.....

Yes folks, nothing says "I love You" more than an evening of gathering in the elementary school gym to listen to your neighbors stand up and explain why you should vote for their chosen candidate.

And then he made the ultimate sacrifice.
He got up at 4 A.M. to take me to a coffee shop where a favorite national morning radio talk show was broadcasting coverage of the Iowa Caucus. 
  4 A.M. folks.   
Then sat with me for FIVE hours while I knit and listened to the radio show production.
Five hours everyone.

                                     That's Buttercup and Wesley true love at its finest.

This can only happen once every 4 years.....this romantic combination of politics, coffee, analysis and True Love. So as a New Englander who got to have an Iowa Caucus Date Night, I would like to offer this piece of advice to those  participating in the New Hampshire Primary today.

Grab your spouse, your ballot and a cup of coffee.  This extravaganza only happens once every four years and you wouldn't want to miss the class on that..... :)

.....Light and Darkness.....and Advent and Christmas

It is no secret by now that I love my summer job.  All season long I am paid to keep shop in a 100+ year old general store, or have tea in a Victorian mansion, or cook on a wood-burning stove in a 1900's Farm House, or make brooms from broom corn, or teach Spencerian penmanship in a one-room school house, or scrape a buffalo hide and work on beading my pair of moccasins.

From May to mid-October we re-create Iowa's agricultural history in the glaring brightness of the summer sun. We wear long sleeves and long skirts to keep the sun off our bodies and use bonnets and parasols to keep our faces shaded and protected from the burning heat and UV light  radiating from planet's closest star.  We carefully pace ourselves in our daily tasks.....chores that must be completed, but workers that must not be depleted.  We avoid the light as much as possible.

Now that we have transitioned to our winter programming, those brightly blinding days are replaced with  work hours in the twilight of cool fall evenings.  We learn to function during a time of the day best described in Mary Poppins  as "the chimney sweep's world"....."Things 'alf in shadows and 'alfway in light..."  Just enough darkness for you to think about lighting the lamps, but still too much light for the lamp to be effective.  We begin to yearn for the light.

Did you know that there was such a time of day? When it is not dark enough yet  for true light to be effective?

In part, I believe this applies to Advent as well.  The season of the year where we wait for the darkest time of the year in anticipation of how brightly that Light will shine.

Anticipation much like kids on Christmas morning....

Earlier this month I was asked by a co-worker to name my favorite Christmas Song.  My first response....
"Anything but Christmas Shoes"

My second pick was harder....Carol of the Bells, Hallelujah Chorus, anything by Mannheim Steamroller...

My favorite Christmas verse? 
That's much easier.
It describes us while wandering in the shadows of the uncertainty of this life, yet anticipating the glory of the life yet to come.  That time of the day/year/life when it feels as if the light is too dim and yet not dark enough for a new light to make a difference.

The time of day/year/life when there is much to do and not enough of you to go around and even if there were two of you, the task would seem impossible.

That time of day/year/life when we  painfully linger in the darkness,

if only to appreciate the Advent of the Light.

Isaiah 8:20-9:7

Chapter 9, Verse 2

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;

of those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

 and Isaiah 9:6

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given."

Because I am taking the class on basking in the Light in spite of and because of the dark... 

Merry Christmas

farm houses, hospitality and Thanksgiving...


There are many things for which I am thankful.  Faith, Family and Friends seem like such broad and common categories, but they do cover the "biggies" so to speak.   If I could add one more, it would be farmhouses. Specifically the one at my #bestsummerjobever.   The one that holds my favorite cook stove and pantry.  The one with the white picket fence around the yard and the red barn across the way.  The one with the softly glowing lanterns in the windows in the evenings and the deer tracks in the frozen fields in the mornings.

It is in this house this fall that I have learned the fine art of napkin folding, dessert table lay out and the fact that I love hooded wool cloaks.  And it is in this house that I have decided that paper plates (no matter how pretty) just will not do for Thanksgiving Dinner.  

We usually have a few friends over for Thanksgiving and I usually cook a fairly large bird because we love leftovers.  For the last few years, one of our guests has been a spirited lady who could very likely walk into my favorite farmhouse and run it like a pro....not because she has spent any time researching rural Iowa farm life, but because she has lived it.  Complete with wood stove, out house, kerosene lanterns, white picket fence, scrub boards for washing and horses in the red barn across the way.  She can frequently be found gently laughing and shaking her head at me as I delight in all things 1900 farm style.....something about how I should probably live  in the present and be thankful for electricity and indoor plumbing. But she indulges me and my excitement, so this year I decided to "up my game" in the hospitality area and use the good china because that is what you would have done in the era of rural farm life...put your best foot forward for company

I still have a bit to learn, but this was my attempt this past Thanksgiving.   Good china, table center organized and "dessert table" ready to go.   I thought that I was all set and ready for our gracious company. 

And then she out-did me ....1900's style.

Her hostess gift made me cry.   A hand-embroided flour sack dish towel with farm scenes that look like they came straight off the 1900 Farm site.

So there you have it. 
My china, turkey and dessert table happily upstaged by a beautiful hand-made gift commemorating her childhood and my new-found career.

Together we shared our thanks for Faith, Family, Friends and Farm....

'cause WE didn't miss the class on that :)

"adulting" on a day off.....


I have a few (cough, cough) jobs that have kept me busy and away from writing this year.  I enjoy all of them, for the most part, and have been given more responsibilities in some areas. (shhh....my bosses all think I am capable of "adulting"....please don't give me away...)

Today I find myself in a rare circumstance.....I do not have to clock in or out or be responsible for anyone or anything outside of my own household.  

All.

Day.

So I decided to "adult" this morning.  (Anything before noon is morning....right???)

There are a few things that I have neglected around the house over the last few months. Today would be a good day to get those things knocked off the Terribly Terrifying To-Do list.

For fear of someone calling my mother and telling on me, there will be no Before pictures.  

For fear of people in my family mistakenly believing that things should always look clean and having visual evidence that it once happened in this house, there will be no After pictures.

So I looked at my list:

Put away china from Thanksgiving Dinner. (yes...I know it was 2 weeks ago....)
Clean microwave.  (I can't remember when it was last done...must be time.)
Clean fridge.  (see Clean microwave)
Vacuum. (see owner's manual for Bernese Mountain Dogs)
Go grocery shopping. (see parenting teenagers manual)
Wash the shower curtain, bath rug and table place mats (see Clean Microwave)
Finish putting summer clothes away. (see previous post on seasonal clothing)

I was going strong on my first cup of coffee.   I had all the china put away and had vacuumed the rug and swept the first floor. Then I needed a second cup of coffee, which meant I had to open the microwave....and I lost all momentum.  It's bad folks.  Bad enough that even I in all my thrifty, discount and sales only purchasing philosophy, contemplated just buying a new one regardless of cost.   So I closed my eyes, hit the 30 second re-heat button and hoped it was enough to sterilize cup- o -joe #2.  

Then the children started making sounds like they were about to be hungry.   For those wondering, it sounds something like a cross between a hungry lion and a hungry hippo trying to speak English.  They try to say things like:
"Mom, when are you going to get a second mortgage so you can buy hundreds of dollars of groceries to get us through the next two hours?"
In a futile attempt to quiet the starving menagerie masquerading as my children, I opened the fridge to prove that we did, indeed, have food in the house......
Ooops.

I haven't done a full shopping trip in a while.  That meant the fridge was sounding a bit echoey.  Which also meant I could see the state of the door pockets and shelves.   And unlike the microwave, there is no 30 second re-heat/sanitize button.
Sigh.


So I decided to do what any good parent would do in this situation.....
Spend countless hours lovingly cleaning and sanitizing the home for the comfort of all occupants.

Delegate.

Microwave and fridge to be cleaned by the zoo inmates while the zoo-keeper puts in the order for more fodder..


And then I think I will be done "adulting" for the day.   It is, after all, my day off.
If you need me for the remainder of the day, I will be down in the guest room, NOT adulting.
You see...I have a pile of fiber and a long list of projects that I have been waiting to knit. I am going to take my chocolate, coffee and laptop, head down to the yarn stash, and knit until this mama tiger feels just a bit more human.

Because while I know that I am an adult with grown-up responsibilities (see Clean microwave), I also know that some species, when stressed, eat their young...or their mates... and as a responsible adult I realize I probably shouldn't act like one of the zoo exhibits.

So I will choose to do the most loving thing I can for my family and go knit.

'cause I didn't miss the class on that.

Why the Mall and bathing suit shopping are considered "fun".....

There are very few things that I am allergic to in this world. At least, the kind of allergic that produces hives, shortness of breath and a severe need for an epi-pen.

The Mall is one of those things.
Bathing suits are the other.

More on the why of these facts may come later.

This was my quandary today...my daughter is going to camp.
A camp where swimming is one of the activities.
And she just outgrew her swimsuit 30 seconds  before she started packing.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself..."Surely all you had to do is head to your retail job, shop the clearance rack, whip out your stack of discounts and walk away with a $5 bathing suit."   And I would totally love to report that those sequence of events happened.

Except it would be a bald faced lie.
 In the first place, the suits don't go on clearance for a few more weeks.
In the second place, we are simple people and have few issues with picky eaters or dressers.  Unless it comes to bathing suits. 
My daughter likes to use her suit to:  swim
Shocking, I know.  But her suit has to actually have more than 1/16 yd of fabric and stay in place should she decide to do something crazy... like...move...
This eliminates 92% of the bathing suits in the kid's dept and 99% of the bathing suits in the women's dept at my store.  (The remaining 1% being suits that even I refuse to wear for at least 20 more years, if at all)

Which left us with two options:
1) Go to the local, over priced sporting goods store that carries suits for people who plan on actually  swimming in their pool attire.


2) Go to the mall, where the out of my league nicer department stores are, and hope their suits went on clearance early.

The things I do for my children.   Sigh.

We went to the sporting goods store and found a  suit that fit all her criteria and didn't give me heart palpitations after looking at the price tag.  We then searched high and low for a sign to appear that said ALL SUITS 90% off.  

Nope.    Sigh.

We then searched high and low for ANY clearance sign.   And found one!
And there were two suits!
Too big. :(

So, I swallowed my couponing, discount hunting pride and brought the full priced suit to the register.
We made our purchase and moped  our way to the car where we made the decision to (gulp) head to the mall and see if maybe we could find the same type of suit for less $.

And we went.
And I got out of the car.
And I stepped foot into the mass of humanity and pre-teen day care unsupervised chaos mall.
And I did not die.

We made it through two stores before the perfume counters and  glossy non-clearance price tags caused my head to start swimming and my breathing  to become shallow.
I became so distraught and disoriented that my DD had to remind me which level and entrance we came in and ever so gently escort me to the life-giving fresh air of the parking lot.

We then decided to head for home.

It was on the way home that I realized how I could salvage both the day of shopping and my penny pinching fiscally responsible reputation.

I had coupons (of course).
Coupons that matched a cereal sale at the grocery store.  The same grocery store that also had a coupon for $3.50 off a gallon of milk if you bought the cereal that was on sale. 
And since cereal and milk are the two things we are most definitely NOT allergic to and always using at our house...off we went to the grocery store!

And to make it all better...the cereal boxes had more coupons stuck to them.
Yes, we might have done a little happy dance in the aisle.  :)
So we headed home with our coupon cereal:

Our coupon milk:

 

 

 

And my much needed coupon coffee:

And tried to recover from the whole ordeal.

I gave my DD strict instructions to NOT take the tags off the full priced bathing suit.
I still have 3 days to find a suit for less $$  And a new, full bag of  coupon coffee....

Now don't you fret.  I did not leave the cheaper of the two clearance bathing suits on the rack at the sporting goods store. You see...it will be just the right size for camp next year, and it was 75% off.

Cause while I may have slept through it this year, I did not completely miss the class on kids outgrowing their specialized sporting clothes just before they really need them.
And I DO NOT intend to ever have to go to the mall again!

****Even though they should, because I could be their best spokesperson,  none of the manufacturers of the pictured products paid me for the mention of their brands.

Mid-west weather.....
This winter was cold.
The kind of cold that makes you want to hibernate for six months.
The kind of cold that has you lusting after 100% wool underclothes.
The kind of cold that makes you say things like..."I'll even be thankful for 100 degree temps in July..."   
Then Spring came....I think......
As near as I can tell, Spring is just a milder form of  Summer, with tornadoes and flooding thrown in for extra excitement.
Yesterday we were scheduled for some of that "excitement".

In order to keep my mind off the impending disaster and my ears from thinking they are hearing the sirens of doom, I decided to write a "How To..." manual for those not yet used to surviving the mid-west version of  panic inducing adrenaline rushes know as Tornado Watches.

Step 1.
Notice that in spite of diet changes and proper caffeine consumption, that nagging headache just won't go away.  Guess what the barometric pressure reads, then log on to weather.com to see how accurate your sinuses are.

Step 2.
Start checking the skies and the radar every 20 min.  Starting at 8 a.m.
For the storm that is predicted to arrive at 8 p.m.

Step 3
Take the dog for a long walk....so you are  he is too tired to freak out when the storms come.

Step 4.
Start your caffeine consumption plan.  Too little = a possible disastrous nap during the 2 a.m. radar check.   Too much = too many potential bathroom trips during a tornado warning. I, for one, have a paralyzing fear of being stuck on the throne when the sirens start going off. 
Now you know my deepest darkest fear.
We should probably move on. 
 
Step 5.
Scour the house and garage for buckets and baskets that can be used to cover delicate seedlings in the garden.  Baseball sized hail has been fore casted.
Make children help.

Step 6.
Make children clean the garage to fit at least one car.
Make the difficult decision as to which car will be left outside as a "sacrifice".

Step 7.
Make children and husband heave move the amazingly heavy  nice lawn furniture up against the house, to avoid "donating" lawn furniture to your next door neighbor.

Step 8.
Plan and prepare dinner so that if the electricity goes out, you can still eat. Because there is nothing more important than proper nutrition during times of stress....

Step 9. 
Plan your shower around the radar timing predictions so that if anything happens you'll at least be able to show up at the ER in clean underwear.  Just like mom told you.

Step 10.
Make sure you have your lap-top battery  and phones fully charged to have as many radar checking sources as possible while you scurry to the basement.

Step 11.
Check your sump pumps and make the boy child move ALL the LEGO bases off the floor of the basement so that they will not clog the pump or cause you excruciating pain as you stumble around in the dark. Since a basement is lovely during a tornado warning, but not so lovely during a flash flood warning...but the two seem to happen at the same time. :(

Step 12.
Spend ALL NIGHT watching the radar, because, you know, that will ward off the tornadoes.

Step 13.
Head to bed at 2 a.m. after an uneventful night, confident that all your preparations are what convinced the storms to seek out lesser prepared, more sane mid-westerners.

Step 14.
Spend all the next morning cleaning up the mess that you made of the garden, putting back the patio furniture and opening the garage to find the van you tried to protect from the hail, instead fell victim to a stray nail finding its way into the tire.
Sigh.
Check the weather forecast.
Plan for the next weather event. 
Because it is Spring in the mid-west,
and now you have had the class on that :)

Photo credits to my wonderful husband who braved the terrible natural disaster that befell us got a little wet in the rain shower that passed over us last evening.