surreal experiences, part 2

I have been blessed with many experiences  that might fall under the label of "surreal".  They usualy center around visiting historical sites, or physically beautiful locations.

For example..it is surreal to walk the streets of Pompeii..knowing how many people died there, and how much of the city was burried for so long.

It is also surreal to stand in the Anne Frank house/museum, or walk through the annex where they hid, knowing that you are standing in the same place that the SS stood when they arrested those that were in hiding.

Surreal is also the word  I would use when standing at the edge of a stormy Atlantic coastline or looking up into the vastness of the night sky and feeling just how small and insignificant you are in comparison to the forces of nature.

Surreal also describes the events that were unfolding in Boston on April 15.

You see...someone picked on my city....and there was nothing I could do about it.

(Boston skyline July 4, 2012)



And I had the stomach flu.

And I was over 1,000 miles away.

And I was leaving for a vacation.

So in addition to running to the bathroom, running the kids to their activities and running to the store for last minute items, I was also running down to my "office" to check news website updates, running to the phone to call and check on family, and running to turn up the volume on the kitchen radio when the next newscast was scheduled.

And realizing that at least I could still "run"........

Yes, my family members were all OK.   No danger of any of us actually qualifying to run the Boston Marathon, or being caught anywhere near downtown and all the crowds.  It was Patriot's Day and many had the day off and opted to watch the race on television. 

Yes, people my family knew that were running were unharmed.

Yes, I let my kids watch and listen to some of the media coverage. 
They knew something awful had happened in mom's hometown
near where their grandparents live
near where we had vacationed last summer

("Old" State House     Boston, MA  July 4, 2012) '

They are old enough to know that evil exists, and need to know that evil does not get to triumph.
So we packed our suitcases, listened to news updates, prayed for the victims and first responders and headed south for a belated Spring Break.   Because there was nothing else we could do.

In my mind I was prepared for the investigation and hunt for suspects to stretch on for at least a year.  Surely the culprits were half-way across the globe by the time the 16th rolled around.
Surely this would require the co-ordination of multiple international law inforcement agencies.

Surely this would not hit any closer to home.


Surely....NOT.

April 19 SHOULD have been  the day we went to go play, care free,  in the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.
April 19 SHOULD have been the day I could finally take a deep breath and feel like I was on vacation.
April 19 SHOULD NOT have been the day I had the following surreal conversation with my parents:

Me: Hey!  What are you guys doing up there????
Parents: Locking the doors and hoping our neighborhood doesn't show up next on the news.  What are you doing?
Me: Watching t.v. hoping your neighborhood doesn't show up on the news... and getting ready to go to the beach before it gets too hot.
Parents: Wow, rough life.  It's too cold up here for beach weather.
Me: Have you heard from ****?  (brother who lives IN the town of the man-hunt)
Parents: No, but he usualy doesn't get up for a few hours. Or unless the Police have to crash his door down today.
Me: OK.  Lock your doors and duck your heads.  We're heading out.  Bye.

See...surreal....Who has a conversation with their parents about local man-hunts and Spring Break beach trips???

So while I wrestled in my head with the chaos that was Boston and the tranquility that was South Florida, we did the following:

Walked on the beach

Played in the surf

Enjoyed the wild-life

Dug our toes in the warm sand

and only twice did I surreptitiously check my husband's smart phone for live updates or my not-so-smart-phone for calls from family.

When we returned to our home-base for the week, I did give in to the news junkie in me, and kept my husband's laptop open to that social network site, and a news site or two...or four.....

I did my best to not let this disrupt our rare family vacation moment and yet still keep tabs on what I could not control.   I'm not sure I succeeded on either front.

I am thankful that most of the drama is over, that the immediate danger has passed...for now....
I know that there are many, many more people who lived an infinitly more surreal week than I.
Those people have a myriad of difficult and life-altering decisions to make in the times to come.

I, however, am left with only one surreal decision to make:

What size Kevlar vests to order for my parent's Christmas present.....

'cause I missed the class on that.

surreal experiences.....part 1

but I'm guessing the only classroom that is offered in is "life". 
We recently needed to purchase a second car for the family.  
Nothing odd about that.  People buy cars all the time. 
What made this purchase surreal was the idea that the car we purchased last week could potentially be the car our oldest uses when he learns to drive....GULP.  How did THAT happen?

I choose to not think about that...for now....

I grew up on the east coast.  Severe weather was a blizzard in the winter or a hurricane in the summer. (Usualy only Category 1 or tropical storm strength by the time it got to us.)
 Both of these events can be predicted days in advance and leave plenty of time to stock up on toilet paper, bread, milk, coffee and yarn. Once prepared, it can be a nice "mini" vacation. 

I now live in Tornado Alley.  Here my spring is filled with anxiously scanning the skies for geenish colors and rotating clouds.  I have been known to stay awake into the wee hours of the morning watching the weather radar on the computer and listening for the warning sirens.   No relaxing preparation for these storms....  Nope.  Now it is a panicked stampede to the basement and a dive under the cushions with your bike helmets strapped to your heads.
Really hard to do while trying not to spill your coffee on your knitting....

Flooding where I grew up meant that the storm drains had backed up and there was standing water on the road outside the house.  Words like "sump pump" and "back-up battery" weren't even in my vocabulary.

Today I spent the morning listening to a local radio show spend a full HOUR on how to keep your basement dry in flood season.   I now know how to check for clogs in the drainage pipe, how many times an hour your pump should cycle, and how to tell if you need a bigger sump pump.  (HINT: If your furniture starts to float....you might need a bigger sump pump....)    I caught myself wondering .."If the basement does flood, can we just install a diving board on the stairs and have an indoor pool?"   

I grew up a city girl.  Gardening meant trimming the handkerchief sized patch of grass in front of the house.   Maybe putting a potted plant on the porch steps.  Stocking up on food meant a 5 min walk to the store for a loaf of bread.  The local community college offered classes in computer programming

Now I find myself selecting seeds, choosing sunny vs shady spots in the backyard and wondering if this summer is going to do as much damage to my basil as last summer. 
 I own canning supplies....and know how to use them.....
"Stocking up"  means calling the local community college and ordering a side of beef from their Ag. program.....


I am not complaining.  Fresh air, fresh veggies, fresh beef...these are all good things.  (We can skip the fresh ink on new drivers licenses..... ) I'm just still trying to wrap my foggy brain around this very different existence that I now have.

So, if you see me wandering around outside with my bike helmet on mumbling about green skies, indoor swimming pools and needing to hide the car keys from my son, please do the following:
1) gently point me back towards my house
2) ask my children to check that the sump pump is working
3) remove the helmet from my head and the keys from my hands
4) plug in my coffee maker and get a fresh pot brewing

....'cause I must need a second cup to help me get caught up in this class on the surreal.....

just saying "No".


But I made up for it today!

No, you can not talk to me while I am working with sharp knives and boiling water.

No, you can not try to microwave/cook/toast anything for lunch today while I am in the kitchen.

No, I do not care about lawn mower gas leaks, ant hills in the garden, overdue library books or world peace today.

No, I do not know what you are having for dinner....if you're lucky it will be cereal.

No, I can not take you for a walk today :(

That one was hard.


Here is what I said "YES" to today...

and

and finally....

It may not set right, seal right, or taste right, but it is done!

'Cause I'm trying to catch up in the class on that.....

How to make strawberry-rhubarb jam....


It's not that I can't make jam....I have!  Several times!  Freezer AND canned varieties!
It's just that  there is a fatal flaw somewhere in my chaotic,unorganized carefully planned schedule.

So far, I am working on a record of seven days to make my most recent batch of jam...soon to be eight if this post takes me any longer.

The recipe goes something like this:

Day 1: Pick up fresh rhubarb from a friend's house.  Put rhubarb in the fridge and wonder where you left your canning supplies....

Day 2: Happily discover strawberries on sale for $.99/lb at the store.  Buy 12 pounds, eat 2 pounds, spend the rest of the day telling the kids to stay out of the strawberries so you can use them to make jam.  Try to remember if you have jelly jars in your canning supplies....

Day 3: Think to yourself..."I should really do something with those strawberries before they go bad or the kids eat them all..."  and "Did I buy extra pectin at the end of the canning season last year?"

Day 4: Concede that you are NOT going to get any canning done today.  Slice and freeze the 6 pounds of strawberries that are left.

Day 5: Remember where you left the canning equipment, but over schedule your day so you don't have time to unpack the canner, jars, or freezer jam supplies.

Day 6: Go to the store and buy pectin and lids for the jelly jars you are almost certain you have.  Realize that your wonderful husband is using this time to finish several home improvement projects that require things like power tools and dust....in the kitchen.....
Leave pectin and lids on the counter to remind yourself of your failure....

Day 7:  Determine that you ARE GOING TO MAKE JAM TODAY!  Announce it to your friends and family so they will not do anything silly like want to use the kitchen to eat...or drink....or socialize....
Then realize all the other things that must get done today....
such as...

unfreeze the strawberries

wash the canning supplies

walk the dog.....I mean, how can you say "no" to this face?

Chop the rhubarb, locate the recipe that you printed out last year and didn't get to try, find the extra pectin and lids you bought last year, but only pint jars instead of the jelly jars you were SURE you had....

Then leave it all on the counter to go to your retail job, wistfully dreaming about the sweetly sour tang of strawberry rhubarb jam on your morning toast.

Come home to clean jars, thawed strawberries, and a blog post burning in your caffeine deprived brain.

Blog your post (with pictures! ooohhh...ahhhhhh ), locate your recipe, and ready yourself for :

DAY EIGHT:  MAKE THE JAM!

Maybe tomorrow I will have a picture of the jam ;)

...but maybe not...because it looks like I really missed the class on that!

How to have a stress-free vacation.....
or maybe just a stress-free pre-vacation....

How else would you explain my  latest fiasco attempt at jetting away for some fun n' sun?
Maybe it had something to do with the following items that had to be crossed off my "To Do" list before we left....

My top priority was to find my summer clothes....and hope they still fit.....
It is just slightly stress inducing to know that somewhere in the dark recesses of you basement hides a plastic tote full of summer clothes that fit last summer's "Ihadtimetoruntwentymilesaweek" body.  It is even more stress inducing to know that you somehow have to make those packed away clothes fit this spring's "IhadNOtimetogototheYandIworebaggyclothesallwinter" body.  Grrrrr.......
We're not even going to mention  swim suits.....So. Not. Going. There.

Second on my list was to make sure that the house (or at least the kitchen, bathroom, and one bedroom) was clean enough for our house/dog sitter to not have to call the health department before agreeing to spend time in our home.

I then wanted to get as many hours in at work as possible, since I would be gone (and off payroll) for two weeks.  My brain kept calculating how much this vacation was costing me.....not a good prescription for relaxation.

Added to this was the fact that I had sub plans to get ready, a class to teach and some academic commitments for the kids that had to be finished up two weeks early. 

Oh....
and I decided to apply for a job that better fit my skill sets and availability for the summer....
and apply for a different position with our educational group for next fall....
which meant I needed an updated resume and semi-intelligent sounding cover letters.....
which meant me spending time figuring out the extra features on the word processing program....
on the computer....
We all know how fun and relaxing THAT is for me......

Things were going well at about T-minus 4 days before take-off. 
The clothes had been located. (but not tried on....)
The kids had found and packed their own clothes. (you only need 3 pairs of underwear for a 2 week vacation...right????)
I had started my resume. (O.k.  O.k......it only had my name and contact info....but choosing the font type and size are crucial, time-consuming decisions!)
The bathroom sinks had been cleaned out, the lesson plans had been written, schoolwork had been started and all but 8 hours of scheduled time at work had been completed.
With four days left, I had plenty of time to finish the rest of my self-assigned tasks in a calm, relaxed manner.  

HA!
I returned home from work Saturday evening, spent about an hour talking with my husband, and went to bed.
I then proceeded to spend the next 24 hours wondering if I was going to even make it to the bathroom in time, let alone make a flight in 3 days. 
Just in case you were wondering the answer is: No.  Having the stomach flu and trying to keep the kitchen and bathroom "guest" clean are NOT compatible activities.

Also... No. Having the stomach flu and trying to work with computers and word processing programs are NOT mutually beneficial.

And make that a definite NO on having the stomach flu and working 8 hours of retail.
So. Not. Happening.
...but.....
...having the stomach flu for two days and then trying on last summer's clothes???? Yes.  Those two activities can be combined.  

So I spent 36 hours on the couch, not cleaning, writing or packing. I got the basics done.  We got on the plane.  I could finish the typing and e-mailing of resumes on my husband's lap top while we were en route to our vacation destination.   I thought I could just sit and relax on the plane.  I thought I could catch a little nap in my seat.  I thought I would be able to get a chapter of my book read in relative calm and quiet.
I thought, maybe...just maybe... I can begin to unwind....
I thought wrong. 
The man in the seat behind me (father of a 3 year old) turns to the mother across the aisle (travelling with a 9 month old) and says,
"Hey!  Wanna see whose baby gets the loudest screamer award by the end of the flight?"
Nononononononono!
So. Not. Relaxed.
I must have been stressing about vacations when they announced the class on that. 
Sigh

the Federal Bureau of Investigation....

I think my future employer called today! 

O.K....admittedly not the first thing that crossed my mind when the following showed up on my caller ID...
                                               .......U S GOVT FED BUR......

Yes, yours truly received a phone call from the FBI today.   It was a live person, not a robo call about area crime rates or local mail fraud activity.

I assure you, this is not a normal occurrence at our house.  Truly.   I promise.

They were looking for someone who used to have what is now our land line phone number.   When I said no such person lived here their response was.. "O.K.   We'll take her off our list." 

Whaaaaat???

What "list"???
Why was she on the "list"??
Am I on the "list"?
Do I want to be on the "list" or off the "list"?

Wait...don't hang up...I have questions!

Then cup o' joe #3 kicked in and my brain began to process some ideas.....

Here are some, (IMO) plausible explanations for today's phone call.

#1....Due to the sequester, all mid-west field operations offices are now required to do a fund-raising campaign via telephone.

#2....Due to the sequester, all agents have picked up telemarketing jobs to cover the gap in their pay check and this agent forgot which office/job he was doing when he made the call.

#3...Due to the sequester, the FBI has had to cut training costs and has decided to try and recruit responsible adults who have mad spy skills naturally developed over years of parenting and teaching.

Yup...I like #3.  
It  makes perfect sense.   Who else but a mom/teacher can
a) read body language from a mile away without the aid of binoculars or a sniper scope?
b) discern truth from fiction without the aid of video taped confessions, one way mirrors or good cop/bad cop routines?
c) practice defensive driving, in rush hour, on the phone, with various noises, sights and smells occurring simultaneously in the vehicle?
d) keep track of multiple children suspects, their daily activities, personal belongings and financial liabilities?
e) be on duty for hours on end sustained only by pb & j with a side of coffee?  with no bathroom?
f) be able to McGuyver her way through any situation with a bobby pin, lip gloss, two Lego pieces and the mint in the bottom of her purse?
I think I would be a perfect fit for the job.   Just think of all the organized crime rings I could infiltrate and bring down.   Who would ever suspect a mini-van driving-coffee drinking-sanity losing-Iowa living wife and mom of being an FBI agent?   I could save the government thousands in training costs and disguises.  They wouldn't even have to touch their technology budget if they hired me!  Their only cost might be to bump up the line item for coffee in the office supply category....

Or maybe I should just go with reason #4...

Full moon this week.

Or maybe I should just be thankful that another  # didn't show up on my caller ID this morning...
                          ......U S GOVT   INTER  REV SERV......

'cause while I might have mad spy skills,  I missed spying the class on accounting on my transcripts......

.....snow blowers

or, more specifically, how to use one....

First, I should remind you of my love/hate relationship with all modern technology and machines save my coffee pot, indoor plumbing, and central HV/AC.
I mostly do not like the thunderous noise and disruption these machines produce. 
My idea of the perfect modern inventions are the quiet click of a mechanical pencil and the soft whisper of yarn over those new-fangled circular knitting needles.  ;)

Problem: A hair dryer blasting in my ear at 8 a.m. does not a happy mommy make.
      Solution: don't use one...ever....even in winter....since middle school.....

Problem: A power tool being used to complete home improvement projects drives me up the same wall my poor husband is trying to fix.
     Solution:  leave the house and go to the library when DIY Jeff makes his Saturday morning appearances.

Problem: Living in the Mid-West, in the winter, during a snow storm, with a snow covered side-walk and driveway.  Also having a much anticipated afternoon meeting scheduled the same day as the snow storm.
      Usual Solution: Head to the back room of the house with my knitting and coffee while dh, ds, and dd fire up the monstrosity of a snow blower, wield our new ergonomic snow shovels and clear the walk, car and driveway in time for me to leave for my meeting.

Note: Today was not usual.   This morning there was not enough snow on the ground to break out the snow blower.  By noon there was. Since my dh was at work, I was left to make a very difficult decision. 
The drive and car needed to be cleared out.  There was no way around that.  I had committed to go to a meeting this afternoon, and was looking forward to attending the discussion group.  (At a history museum...yes, geek, sigh, move on...)
My dilemma: My ds is just a tad too young to use the snow blower unsupervised.
My second dilemma: I have absolutely no clue how to start the thing, which direction to point it in, or how to make it stop.
My options were limited. 
1) I could interrupt my husband at work to try and get him to coach me through the process. After he picked himself up off the floor from laughing so hard, he would then have the daunting task of trying to teach me something that I don't really want to do, while he was 12 miles away....hmmm...that might have been the safest place for him.....

2) I could wrestle the big red beast out of the garage, spend 45 minutes poking  and pulling on things, hoping against hope that I would accidentally hit upon the correct combination of levers, cords and valves....or irrevocably snap some key component rendering the beast less than useless for future storms...

3) I could google a YouTube video on how to start/use a snow blower.....on my dinosaur computer...that takes forever to load videos...and freezes up on the buffering.....and not get the video to play until May....

4) Or, I could brace myself with a fresh pot of coffee, layer on the clothes and hand-knit wool hats, scarves and mittens, yell at  nicely ask my children to join me in the great out doors, and quietly clear the car and driveway with the perfect, silent,  low-tech tools.....shovels and elbow grease.

Silent that is, unless you count the moaning and groaning of my dear children.  Cries of, "Mom, why don't you just ask dad how to use the snow blower?   or... "Mom, why don't you just google..snow blower...?"  or... "Mom, why don't you just skip your meeting?"

Not. An. Option.   I was going to a meeting to discuss historical topics.  With other adults.  Who liked history.  There might even be coffee involved.

I am happy to report that we persevered.  The drive, sidewalk, front stoop and car were all cleared in plenty of time for me to make it to the meeting.  By hand/shovel.  In the peaceful quiet of the freshly fallen snow.

I came in to check my smoke signals  e-mail, hoping to see some new information about our topics for the meeting.  Instead, I found a message that went something like....
Due to the inclement weather, the meeting has been postponed to next Monday.  We apologize for any inconvenience this new date and time may cause.
Sigh.

I left the kids outside.  They were warm. They were happy building a snow fort in the front yard. They were blissfully unaware of the catastrophic announcement that greeted me from the computer screen.

      It is snowing again.   Enough to make me think that we may need to clear the drive and car again.
By snow blower.
When my husband comes home.
And I am safely ensconced in the far room of the house with my coffee and knitting.....

'cause I missed the class on that.