Christmas Shopping Part 2

OK everyone......or everyone who likes to procrastinate about their Christmas shopping.....

I know the next six days are going to be extremely busy for those of you who still need to finish the elf chores that Santa assigned to you. 
I know there are children's programs, school concerts, church pageants, office parties and 945 White Elephant gift exchanges to participate in, all spanning the crunch of the next 144 hours before D-Day Christmas morning.

I know.

I know you are really sorry that things got this out of control.

I know that you never meant for it to happen this way.

I know you promise to not let this happen again next year.

I know all these things, and yet, I still care enough to give you these last few answers to your retail shopping questions..

1) No....we don't have any more of the items from our Black Friday sale.....that we had a month ago.
2) No.....I don't have that very cute outfit in a size 3T....there is nothing in back-stock except the Spring dresses.

3) No....I don't think your package will make it through the mail to Hawaii in time for next Tuesday....  I don't think I can get myself to Hawaii by next Tuesday, let alone your 300lb package...

4) No, the item you called frantically about at 11:59 p.m. and had us put on emergency  48 hour hold 8 DAYS AGO and then  never came and picked up is no longer on hold.....since the last time I checked, 48 hour holds do not equal 8 days.....

5)No...I have no idea if your mother/father/bother/sister/niece/nephew/uncle/cousin/son/daughter/husband/wife/ grandparent or second cousin twice removed would like that blender/microwave/crock pot/change counter/blanket/ornament/pair of slippers or bathrobe.....

6) No...I have no idea when the next sleigh truck will be in with a new shipment.....best guess is the 26th....

So.   There you have it.   The answers to all your desperate questions. 
Now that you have all the answers, this should save you time, stress and grief as you frantically race from store to store looking for the last bulbous blandis snaarfblat or roast beast to be found in our ZIP code.

Remember...your retailer's motto for the last few days of the season is "Just Say No"

'cause we didn't miss the class on that ;)

Christmas Shopping.....

Yes, I know I have claimed that bargain shopping is my mommy version of  high school sports. 
Yes, I know I have publicly performed the "Happy Shopper Dance" in store parking lots in multiple states.
Yes, I know that other people spending copious amounts of money between Thanksgiving and Christmas is what allows me to earn not-so-copious amounts of money as a seasonal retail worker.

.....but I still don't get it....
...sigh.....

I think it has something to do with my jealousy.
Oh. No.   Not jealousy over economic status, or credit limits.  We are well provided for and taken care of in many ways, both physically and spiritually.
I think it is just jealousy over having to share my usually empty stores with EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE MID-WEST!!!!

In an effort to come down from my stress over everyone elses' shopping, I will try to offer a few tips to help  those on both sides of the store name tag have a better retail experience.

Tip #1
 The MINUTE after you sign your son up for the middle school band on the August back-to-school night, rush to the nearest retail store and buy a pair of size 14 R  boys black dress pants.  If you can swing it, buy three or four pairs.  Then just wait for December 1st to roll around. 
That is just about the time that the music teacher will send a note home about the dress code for the Christmas concert. If I were a bettin' woman, I would bet that somewhere in that note the words "black dress pants required...NO JEANS!" will appear.  
Guess what size pants most middle school boys wear....
Guess how many middle schools in the tri-county area sent home a similar note.....
Now guess how many pairs of size 14 R black dress pants did NOT show up on the supply truck for my store.
If you bought three or four pairs in August, not only can you avoid the hassle of shopping in a retail store two weeks before Christmas, you can make some pretty good stocking stuffer money selling/renting those extra pants.


Tip # 2
If you are a grandparent, shopping for a grandchild that you don't see very often,  please, please, please...please... buy the size/color/style of item that the child's mother specified.  Even if you don't like said size/color/style or item.   Yes, I know the children should be grateful you shopped for them at all.   Yes, I know that your daughter-in-law isn't raising those kids properly.   Yes, I know that a ball and a stick were perfectly fine presents back in your day. But those are arguments for some other time, place and person...not the middle of the children's clothing department, during peak shopping hours, with me.
ahem....just as a side note...my mother and mother-in-law both have exquisite taste in selecting gifts for  their grandchildren, and the grandchildren are thankful, and they would absolutely love a ball and stick...

Tip #3
Do not, under any circumstances, wait until 10 p.m. on a Sunday night to ask a store if they have any of the sale item that was featured in last week's circular. By 10 p.m. Sunday night, most of the employees in the store have been clocked in for at least 5 hours and are trying to clean and straighten the shelves for the morning crew.  We have very little self control left. (We used most of it up trying to speak nicely to the customers who think that our presence in the store equals free babysitting for their seven year olds.... more on that in a later post)  We do not want to use that last shred of decency and  customer service trying not to laugh out loud at such questions.


We really and truly want to help you find everything on your shopping list.  Our company and store  reviews all center on customer satisfaction and profits.   One usually leads to the other.
If you could only remember one little request before heading off to the store, please.
I am a mere mortal, not a magician.   I can not twitch my nose, point my finger and make everything on your list appear in your cart.  Nor can I blink and make all the lines at the cash register suddenly disappear.   If I could, I wouldn't be working in retail.  I'd have my own T.V. show.....

....but I missed the class on that.